8 Running Injuries No One Ever Talks About

Readers, let’s not sugarcoat this. If you’ve been running for any length of time, you have probably been injured. Half of all studies show that 90% of runners have, at any given time, suffered an injury during the previous 33% of the year. Chances are good that at least a few of you have injured yourselves just while reading this.

The point is, injuries are part and parcel of running. They come with the territory.

Here’s the thing, though – even our own list is incomplete. There are some injuries that “they” don’t want you to know about. Well, Remy’s World is not they. Remy’s World is he, as you are he, as you are me. And we are all together. So let us, all together, explore eight afflictions that no one mentions in polite company.

Chin Contusion

What is it? Bruising on and around the lower jaw, after it hits the floor. Usually seen in patients who have just noticed a major marathon’s registration fee.

How do I treat it? Ice. In a glass. With whisky.

How do I prevent it? Administer the above treatment before registering. Note that larger runners may require a larger dose.

Bloody Nose

What is it? Bleeding from one or both nostrils after running face-first into a tree, lamp post, or vending machine while checking yourself out in the reflection of a storefront window.

How do I treat it? Gently pinch the nostrils shut until bleeding stops.

How do I prevent it? Unknown.

Trap-Delt Extendiosis

What is it? Intense pain in the shoulder from straining to pat yourself on the back too often and/or too vigorously. Seen mostly among marathoners and triathletes.

How do I treat it? Ice packs and a dose of humility.

How do I prevent it? Before patting yourself on the back, warm up with 10 minutes of gentle bragging and a few easy stretches.

Point of Purchase Paralysis (P.O.P.P.)

What is it? A loss of muscle function resulting in immobility as one stands before a wall of running shoes at a specialty running store.

How do I treat it? Eventually, possibly when you wet your pants, a sales person will notice you and ask if you need some help. If you are unable to speak, you may be transported to another nearby running store. You’re their problem now!

How do I prevent it? Never buy new shoes again.


What is it? Another form of paralysis, this time affecting only the eyes, which remain “frozen” in a fixed position looking straight ahead. Usually this occurs from trying too hard, or for too long, to avoid eye contact with fellow runners who might smile at you or say “hello.”

How do I treat it? Your eyeballs should loosen up on their own within a few hours. If they don’t, have some pancakes. Because if you’re going to suffer from lock-eye, might as well have some pancakes.

How do I prevent it? Just look at other runners once in a while.

Bruised Ego

What is it? A contusion of one’s pride. Caused by any number of things, but predominantly by being passed by someone under the age of 14. Or over age 60. Or by someone, of any age, wearing a tutu.

How do I treat it? See: Chin Contusion.

How do I prevent it? Train harder, you slacker!

Ass Cramp

What is it? Spasms in the glutes and surrounding muscles caused by prolonged squatting inches above a porta-potty seat so as to avoid making skin-to-seat contact and risking a case of cooties.

How do I treat it? Walk it off.

How do I prevent it? Risk a case of cooties.

Sudden Catastrophic Hypertension

What is it? An abrupt spike in blood pressure, usually caused by being directly behind someone in a race who stops dead in his tracks after grabbing a cup of water at an aid station.

How do I treat it? Seethe. Also, have a cup of water.

How do I prevent it? Run with the elites whenever possible.


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